I have learnt to overcome huge barriers, I am loving life and all the miracles that show up every day. It hasn’t been an easy road, but I am here to tell the tale and helping others to find their way. Of course you already know how to do it, I am here to give you a gentle reminder of how you can find your way home.
As a young girl I was sexually abused, Once upon a time I would have felt a sick feeling to my stomach when I said that, but not anymore. I am free, I have forgiven the person that sexually abused me. I am not angry at him anymore, Its not worth my energy to hold all that anger and hate. Who does it benefit? It certainly doesn’t benefit me. All anger does is lock you into fear and fear does not serve anyone. I need to tell my story because there is a need to see that there is a way through all that pain, that fear and anger that you are holding on to.
You see I am a Wife, Mother, Sister, Daughter, Auntie, Cousin, Niece, Friend, Teacher, Business owner, a moving the earth kind of person. I need to be emotionally available. I know how the hurt, pain, shame and loneliness from sexual abuse affects all of those relationships. You can’t be who you truly are. You feel broken, like a part of you is just not working. You are paralysed by fear and self-doubt. It is such a waste of energy! You deserve happiness, you deserve to be loved and you deserve to love.
The thing is I haven’t always felt this way, I have had some very low moments, I have made choices that were fear based and had a negative impact on me and others around me. Again it is not my intention to give you all the answers, I can tell you from personal experience that this journey is very much about what you are ready to heal. There is no right way, there is no wrong way and I am here to share my own personal story of healing. I share the good the bad and the not so great. Let me share the tools that I have picked up along the way and you can work out if they work for you as well.
What you need to know is that I am an expert when it comes to my own story and my path that I have taken to heal. I have called on help when needed from professionals. In fact when I was at my lowest I went to seek help from my family doctor. I had hit rock bottom and I had no idea how I was going to get myself out. I felt powerless and no amount of positive self talk was going to help me in that moment. I was so lucky to have reached out to her, I have no idea what would have happened. I don’t even want to think about it. It gets worse, because of my history of self harm I was put on high risk. My doctor had a specialist team on the phone to me talking with me, making sure I was OK. They called me 3 times a day until I was able to physically see someone. I am telling you this because it’s important to know when to reach out for help. It’s not easy, there is so much shame involved and you think you have to figure it all out.
What was happening to me was a chemical feedback system that I had no control over. I had burnt out the receptors in my brain that fired messages to other parts of my body that made me feel happy. I was seeing life in Black and White, it was so scary. Nothing made me happy and day by day it got worse. No one around me could see what was happening, I was good at hiding it, that in itself is exhausting. I went on a course of medication for 3 months and suddenly life was back to being full colour. What you don’t know about me is that to take anything pharmaceutical was an absolutely a no, no. I really struggled with it, but I wanted to get better. My Doctor explained what was happening, I understood her and I really trusted her, we had a good doctor/patient relationship. I loved that she supported a holistic way of healing and she had the perfect balance between biomedical and natural.
During this period I did see a Psychologist. I was a bit weary, but it was one of the best things that I had done. A Psychologist can help you to create new thought pathways which helps you in your healing process. I talk more on this in my book and how it works, but for now I feel that it is a safe option for anyone wanting move from all of the old ideas and patterns that have been holding you back from healing.
If you find yourself in this position, I encourage you to reach out to your doctor. I can help you through my own personal story of healing, but if your body and mind is struggling, then please honour yourself and seek some outside help.