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What’s My Story?

What’s My Story?

I am passionate and unapologetic about having a conversation around sexual abuse. It is something that I have experienced myself, and it’s had a huge impact on my perception of who I thought I was growing up.
I have learnt to overcome huge barriers, I am loving life and all the miracles that show up every day. It hasn’t been an easy road, but I am here to tell the tale and helping others to find their way. Of course you already know how to do it, I am here to give you a gentle reminder of how you can find your way home.

As a young girl I was sexually abused, Once upon a time I would have felt a sick feeling to my stomach when I said that, but not anymore. I am free, I have forgiven the person that sexually abused me. I am not angry at him anymore, Its not worth my energy to hold all that anger and hate. Who does it benefit? It certainly doesn’t benefit me. All anger does is lock you into fear and fear does not serve anyone. I need to tell my story because there is a need to see that there is a way through all that pain, that fear and anger that you are holding on to.

You see I am a Wife, Mother, Sister, Daughter, Auntie, Cousin, Niece, Friend, Teacher, Business owner, a moving the earth kind of person. I need to be emotionally available. I know how the hurt, pain, shame and loneliness from sexual abuse affects all of those relationships. You can’t be who you truly are. You feel broken, like a part of you is just not working. You are paralysed by fear and self-doubt. It is such a waste of energy! You deserve happiness, you deserve to be loved and you deserve to love.

The thing is I haven’t always felt this way, I have had some very low moments, I have made choices that were fear based and had a negative impact on me and others around me. Again it is not my intention to give you all the answers, I can tell you from personal experience that this journey is very much about what you are ready to heal. There is no right way, there is no wrong way and I am here to share my own personal story of healing. I share the good the bad and the not so great. Let me share the tools that I have picked up along the way and you can work out if they work for you as well.

What you need to know is that I am an expert when it comes to my own story and my path that I have taken to heal. I have called on help when needed from professionals. In fact when I was at my lowest I went to seek help from my family doctor. I had hit rock bottom and I had no idea how I was going to get myself out. I felt powerless and no amount of positive self talk was going to help me in that moment. I was so lucky to have reached out to her, I have no idea what would have happened. I don’t even want to think about it. It gets worse, because of my history of self harm I was put on high risk. My doctor had a specialist team on the phone to me talking with me, making sure I was OK. They called me 3 times a day until I was able to physically see someone. I am telling you this because it’s important to know when to reach out for help. It’s not easy, there is so much shame involved and you think you have to figure it all out.

What was happening to me was a chemical feedback system that I had no control over. I had burnt out the receptors in my brain that fired messages to other parts of my body that made me feel happy. I was seeing life in Black and White, it was so scary. Nothing made me happy and day by day it got worse. No one around me could see what was happening, I was good at hiding it, that in itself is exhausting. I went on a course of medication for 3 months and suddenly life was back to being full colour. What you don’t know about me is that to take anything pharmaceutical was an absolutely a no, no. I really struggled with it, but I wanted to get better. My Doctor explained what was happening, I understood her and I really trusted her, we had a good doctor/patient relationship. I loved that she supported a holistic way of healing and she had the perfect balance between biomedical and natural.

During this period I did see a Psychologist. I was a bit weary, but it was one of the best things that I had done. A Psychologist can help you to create new thought pathways which helps you in your healing process. I talk more on this in my book and how it works, but for now I feel that it is a safe option for anyone wanting move from all of the old ideas and patterns that have been holding you back from healing.

If you find yourself in this position, I encourage you to reach out to your doctor. I can help you through my own personal story of healing, but if your body and mind is struggling, then please honour yourself and seek some outside help.

What Are You Waiting For?

What Are You Waiting For?

I am passionate about sharing my story to help others step out into their light.

I have learnt that where your attention goes energy flows. . .

My story is a journey of healing and miracles through an unwavering faith and knowing that life had more for me.
I heard the call that started as a little niggle, a little voice trying to break through the noise. The voice became louder and more frequent. I felt excited by the idea, but deep down inside I didn’t feel good enough. I thought, who am I to talk about this? What could I possibly do or say to help others?
I started writing and talking to people about the subject and built an incredibly beautiful circle of friends who believe in me and my vision. I am grateful for that 💜

I found that over the years I met many Women and Men who had experienced the same experience that I had, and I knew a way to help them move forward and Move past the pain and anger they were feeling. It was then that they were able to work towards their own healing journey. This happened to me on many occasions and I took that as a sign that there were bigger forces at play here and I was on the right path.

That’s where my book started, it’s a tool to show how I was  struggling with some really tough obstacles. At times I felt so helpless, so out of my depth. It effected my whole life, friends, relationships, my job and more importantly how i viewed myself and the world around me. My hope is that through reading my book you will feel the heaviness lift from me as I journey toward a more loving approach to my healing. I really can’t wait to share this with you. My next step was working with my beautiful friend Gabby Bernstein. Gabby is a media magnet!

She’s sat next to Oprah in an interview on Super Soul Sunday, she’s been featured on the front page of the New York Times Sunday Styles section, she appears regularly on the Today Show and Dr. Oz, and she’s nabbed features and interviews in countless media outlets. Plus she’s a social media rock star!

This media success didn’t just happen to Gabrielle. She combined her media savvy with her spiritual faith to manifest media for her message. For the first five years of her career she ran a PR business, honing her chops as a kick-ass publicist. When she transitioned her career to become a spiritual teacher, she leaned on her media savvy to secure some of the most sought-after media placements that have helped her carry her message far and wide. And she did it all through her unique process of Manifesting Media.

As a PR expert and spiritual teacher Gabrielle feels it’s her responsibility to help others share your great messages with the world. She knows self-promotion is intimidating, and it can seem like the media landscape is so cluttered that there’s no room for your message. When you have an empowering message to share, it is your sacred responsibility to get it out into the world.

Much Love

Toni x

Need Support?

I am really excited that my book is going to be launched soon. You will be the first to know about appearances or events. I have never written a book before, so this process has been really intuitive. Thankfully I have a really talented editor to sort out grammer and spelling mistakes.

My vision is to help as many men and women that have suffered from sexual abuse heal with the help of my books and the same tools that have helped me through my own healing. I have been lucky enough to work with amazing mentors/teachers and now I am stepping up and taking my message out into the world.

What you need to know is that you already have it in you to be happy, to be healed and to be successful. You have a valuable gift to share with the world and I am going to help you. It’s almost here and I want to not only share this with you, but I want you to also be a leader. There are so many people that need others to stand up and take a stand. I am not talking about being angry or wanting retribution. I am talking about YOU, healing YOU so that you can live a life of freedom. Don’t wait any longer and join in with me to be the change.

Subscribe to my monthly newsletters and receive bonuses and updates on programmes. I value you, and I want you to know that your details are safe and secure. All the information that you give me will be kept private and confidential.

Journal It Out

Journal It Out

Here are some of my old journals that I’ve had since I was a teenager. 
The top one is the most recent journal I purchased in New York earlier this year.
I have 10 times the amount you see here. Maybe even more than that.

These journals are full of transformational healing and the journey of how it all unfolded. They are literally filled with miracles.

I knew that one day I would write a book to help others heal themselves from the same pain and hurt that I experienced as a young girl and young Woman. This emotional pain impacted every area of my life, my relationships, friendships and even everyday decision making. Yes, I was a train wreck. Over time I changed how I viewed the world, I changed my thoughts, then the miracles showed up. It was a complete shift. I also noticed that the right kind of people came into my life that were also some of my biggest teachers. I am so grateful for all those people. I loaded myself with knowledge from books and attended a couple of years in health sciences to learn more about the brain, body connection. I had faith that I could be healed, however I also enjoyed the meshing of spirituality and science. This knowledge as well as my own life experience has helped me work with many people on what ever blocks preventing them from moving forward as a result of being sexually abused. For many years I felt shame and I felt that I was being judged by everyone, when in fact I was the only one doing the judging. I was judging my self for everything and anything. I was way too hard on myself, it was literally making me sick. I am so glad that I am free from judgement and I know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

Much love

Toni x

Perfection Paralysis

Perfection Paralysis

Have you ever wanted to get something out in the world and just couldn’t do it?

Could it be because you have perfection paralysis?

Let me explain. I am two seconds away from not even writing this because of my perfection Paralysis, that’s the truth. It’s pretty sneaky and is always there in the background trying to get my attention.

There are so many people who don’t follow their dreams, because they think they’re not good enough, or they need to have the perfect website, or the perfect spelling, perfect grammer, perfect anything. . . The list could go on. . . I struggled for months before I finally took the plunge to make my website live and create a social media page. It wasn’t easy for me to get over my own fear of failure. I had to get rid of the silly story I was telling myself that I couldn’t do it.

If this sounds like you, then read on and see what helped me overcome my perfection paralysys, I haven’t got it all figured out, but I am learning. . .

Firstly I am thankful that I have built a strong tribe of people around me that encourage me. They are authentic and honest, and the people that I go to when i need support, when I celebrate, and when I am having one of those days that are just crappy.

I know I have a message to share, and I am not going to let myself be squashed into smallness by my fear of not being perfect. I am starting where I am right now and I have faith that the rest will fall into place.

Remember you have something to offer the world and if you are being held back by fear, then you are in good company, because I want you to live the life you are meant to live. You are safe and you are exactly where you need to be. If you desire for something more meaningful then make sure you keep an eye on my blog to see what is coming up.

My next project is a new e-course that I am working on. This will be packed with resources to help those that are on their journey of healing from sexual abuse. It’s real and you will have the opportunity to work in the privacy of your own home or with a group of incredibly brave, talented like minded people. The choice is yours and I will always be an email away.

Keep an eye out in the coming weeks for the release and sign up to my mailing list which you can find on my ‘work with me’ page, so you don’t miss out. This may not be for you, and that’s fine. If you know someone that will benefit from this course, let them know about it.

When Is It A Right Time To Talk About It?

When Is It A Right Time To Talk About It?

A question I am asked all the time is, ‘why doesn’t anyone talk about it?’

Let me tell you, there is no better time than now!

Right now, let’s talk about it… remove all the bullcrap and really talk about the good, the bad and mostly the ugly. The ugly hangs around for a while, but eventually you will find the beauty.

It’s worth it, it’s painful… but it’s so worth it. -YOU ARE WORTH IT!.

I can spark up conversation at any given moment. I could be doing anything, from pushing my child on a swing at the park or attending a business gathering, there is a magic that happens. Let me explain.

Over the years I found I was having a similar conversation with women and men. I wondered what they saw in me to open up? I knew that really it had nothing to do with me. I was a stranger to them but I knew how to be an instrument of something bigger than me, in that moment, I moved all my own crap aside (AKA ego) and was able to give hope around the conversation. There is a way foward and a way to see with a completely new persepective. I was able to listen, to really hear and understand. It was deep, and in that moment there is healing, it’s simple and not complicated.

Let’s quickly talk about the ego. Marianne Williamson and Gabrielle Bernstein talk a good talk on ego. Ego holds us back, it tricks us into thinking we are not good enough. It keeps us small and in paralyses. Ego is a whole other conversation. But for now, let’s just say ego is like that little voice in your mind that tells you ‘you can’t do it’ it tricks you into thinking you are better than others, that you are not as good as others, it tells you that you are separate. The truth is we are all one, every action causes a chain reaction. With ripples that can be felt further than we can see.

I know what it’s like in that moment… it could go one way or another. It’s not always clear, but let me tell you there is a way through. There is a need to get the rubbish out of your head and share with someone, just to feel a sense of normality. At times you feel a complete sense of uselessness, numbness, chaos. It’s a temporary feeling, and the secret is to walk through this, keep going you are almost there. You will feel safe, whole and loved. Don’t get me wrong, you are not alone in this feeling. . . You are safe. I am pretty sure you are normal. . . I hear this often, ‘surely I am not normal if I think like this’ Yes you are, you are perfect and you are exactly where you need to be.

Within your own healing comes a change in perspective. It starts small and tumbles into something much larger and freeing.

So let’s talk about it, I am pretty sure you are curious now. Let me warn you that it’s not a beautiful subject, however the beauty is in the freedom of those that are surviving, and yes I use the word surviving, because at times that’s what you feel you are doing.

One step further; this topic is not for the faint hearted, and if you feel that you need more help, then please reach out to me. I can help you….. don’t be scared. The fact that you are here and reading this shows me that you are a life changer, either you are changing your life or you help others to live the life they deserve. Either way…. Lets go LARGE!

Sexual abuse, it aint a pretty subject, but let me tell you that the stats are pretty high, let’s have a look.

1 in 3 girls are sexually abused by the time they are 16 and 1 in 7 boys are sexually abused by the time they reach adulthood in New Zealand…….. and we aren’t alone, in most countries the statistics are very similar.

This is a crazy statistic! Are you reading this??? How is this happening to our beautiful children?

I have something to say about this and I’m not going to stop. Someone needs to talk about it!